


Light up the Night

by meupclose



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Coming of Age, Confessions, Falling In Love, First Kisses, Fluffy, Multichapter, POV First Person, POV Iwaizumi Hajime, and hes a really good senpai to his underclassmen, iwachan likes to mess up toorus hair a lot, iwaizumi is really gay and comfortable with it, iwaizumi is so in love with tooru, lonely iwaizumi, mentions of underage sexual acts but not written about, oikawa is super popular and dates everyone in middle school LOL, rated teen for underage drinking, starts at the end of middle school and will move into high school, tooru kinda messes iwa up with mixed signals, tooru's fans, volleyball isnt the focus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-25 08:45:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10760763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meupclose/pseuds/meupclose
Summary: Oikawa's laugh rings out near the front of the class; I chance to crack open my eyes and see him sampling some candy from a gaggle of girls. There's a guy with his arm draped casually across his shoulders while they all seem to be trying not to make a face. Was the candy sour? Oikawa was failing miserably, and his puckered lips brought a lazy smile to my face.I suddenly feel the note burning in my pocket, and I reach in to read it. Oikawa is seated four seats away by the time people are sitting down when the teacher steps in. I open it up and scan it while pretending to pull out my books. My heart constricts in my chest. What is he saying? I will not be another conquest to sample. We are friends dammit, and I will keep it that way. But it was hard to deny the warmth pooling in my gut and the rosy tint making my cheeks suddenly hot. I press my palm over my eyes and release a breath of air. Was he playing me?





	1. Chapter 1

We are our worst enemies.

I stand leaning against my locker waiting for the passing crowd to thin out. The noise is deafening between classes. Everyone is hustling around trying to get from one class to the next before the second bell rings. My locker is just under the staircase leading up to the other floors. It's a great spot in the grand sense, not in the way of people moving through the halls like the lockers. The shadows from the stairs give me some seclusion to close my eyes against the cool metal and allow my mind to quiet down.

Last year of middle school. I tap my fingers to a beat in my head before a shoulder softly nudges into mine. I glance up dramatically with a scowl for extra measure and see the bane of my existence. A crooked smile already marks his lips that make all the girls in the school melt. It doesn’t work on me though. At least, I claim that. 

He is my friend whether we like it or not, we have an undefined relationship that resides on an entirely different level than most would understand. It's our code to keep how we work a secret-- not out of shame but because we treasure it and deep down know we need what we have. He doesn’t say anything except a slight ‘hey’ before a screech accompanied with blonde hair interrupts; I'm instantly ignored. Regret fills my stomach that I hadn't been able to say anything in such a short time. I watch though. My arms tightly bound across my chest and take the sight of her in.

A new girlfriend I presume. She's cute if you are into girls. Oikawa has almost dated everyone in our grade meaning she must be younger. I chuckle to shake my thoughts and move past him to get to my English class. I settle into my seat and wait patiently for the bell to ring. I just want this day to be over so I can get into the gym. The quiet lift of weights always calmed my mind before volleyball practice.

A surprisingly soft hand grabs mine under the desk, and a piece of paper squeezes into it. I chance a glance up as Oikawa takes his seat next to me in our assigned chairs. A grin makes its way to my face whether I want it to or not. I open the note carefully, and it reads _“you ok?”_.

I shake my head yes slowly, and the bell rings through the building marking the start of class. My teacher is making us work on English tenses by having us change large paragraphs into the tense of her choice. It's actually difficult to work through, but she lets us carry on with one another while we work. Oikawa leans a little closer to me. Always okay with invading my space when it's on his terms-- or maybe I never had the bravery to do it myself.

"Iwa-chan, you okay? I don't believe your nod," I chuckle at the playful jilt of his tone. Instead of responding verbally I write on the back of his note and pass it back. _‘your new girlfriend is cute.'_

Oikawa smiles at that and gives me a knowing look. I grasp he is determined to understand what the female population has to offer him. What that is, even I don’t know. He only ever holds hands, maybe goes to the movies or the arcade with them. Soft kisses here and there but other than that I really don’t see the point in his little game. That was what it was to him, and I knew he dated girls so that he could find what makes himself tick. Discover himself or something like that. It's been going on for the last three years of our friendship, and if I am honest, he's starting to develop a fan base with our volleyball included. It was interesting to me that he was willing to break these girls hearts over and over in such a selfish manner. They still swooned at him, either way, hoping to be the next girlfriend.

Not that I am jealous. Did I harbor a slightly different place for Oikawa in my...heart? Love? Perhaps, but I am not sure. I did respect him for his confidence and his intelligence no one knew he had. But mostly how nerdy he can get when the sky is exceptionally clear to see the stars, or he climbs through my window without permission and plops on me with exclamations of an alien trying to abduct him.

Oikawa slides an open note under my work, and I read it discreetly.

 _“Bored already with her,”_ it says. I chuckle and start working on another paragraph while the teacher makes rounds. After she steps away from us, I write, _“not surprising.”_ He rolls his lovely eyes at that, brushing bangs far too long for volleyball out of his eyes. I think he's distracting me on purpose right now. Oikawa never wants to talk about these things. I wonder if he's okay himself and contemplate writing that in a note or whispering it when I notice him start to write another note. He is quick about it and slides it to me and focuses on his work.

The chime comes fast to mark the end of class, and I stare down at my completed work feeling happy I had done so well. I hide the note in my pocket as people filter out. We have another class together so we walk close but don't speak to one another. Oikawa is chatting with two other people I haven't taken the time to know. The chatter of noise is oddly calming-- I can somehow listen to him talk all day, and it never gets on my nerves. It's strange to think we hide the level of friendship we have. No one knows him better than I do. That we each know secrets that could be ammo for blackmail, bullying, or teasing. Maybe it came with knowing each other for so long that allowed this to be so easy. I am thankful I have him as a constant even if he can be annoying.

I slip into the next classroom quickly and take my seat in the back corner. I lucked out with this seating arrangement because the semicircle of the class gives me a lot of privacy. That and I had the sunshine on my face being near the only slotted window. A breeze came in through the cracked window, and all I can think about is what to practice later this afternoon. Oikawa's laugh rings out near the front of the class; I chance to crack open my eyes and see him sampling some candy from a gaggle of girls. There's a guy with his arm draped casually across his shoulders while they all seem to be trying not to make a face. Was the candy sour? Oikawa was failing miserably, and his puckered lips brought a lazy smile to my face.

I suddenly feel the note burning in my pocket, and I reach in to read it. Oikawa is seated four seats away by the time people are sitting down when the teacher steps in. I open it up and scan it while pretending to pull out my books.

_“Well sadly, she is nothing like you.”_

My heart constricts in my chest. What is he saying? I will not be another conquest to sample. We are friends dammit, and I will keep it that way. But it was hard to deny the warmth pooling in my gut and the rosy tint making my cheeks suddenly hot. I press my palm over my eyes and release a breath of air. Was he playing me?

I promised myself I would never have a boyfriend in middle school. It was pointless, and the boys around here never impressed me enough to announce my sexuality. Oikawa knew this and more. He was aware that I wouldn't do this and yet he wrote this note anyway. The teacher is talking about some math equation at this point, so I force myself to pay attention. Her voice is going through my ears, and I am barely listening while I feel my brain short fire childhood memories about my best friend and those seven words making my cheeks warm now in anger.

A blur catches my eye, and a see a paper football resting next to my left shoe. I chance a bend down to retrieve it and open it in my lap. _“hey, don’t panic ok?”_ I smile to myself and shake my head to clear the white noise blaring in my ears. I don't respond. Class ends quickly, and I walk by myself to my locker thoughts of boys, love, kisses I haven't shared-- and I remind myself that I would never allow myself to fall for the ‘hottest most popular boy’ in the school. Especially Oikawa Tooru-- my best friend and above all nuisance.

We had high school coming up, and we had to stay focused on volleyball.

He is already at my locker pretending to pull stuff out of his own which is next to mine. He chances a glance at me, and I see regret. I see he is scared he broke what we have. I smile shoving my things into my bag and grab his shoulders to put him into a headlock effectively.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Iwa-chan!!" I rub my palm into his hair to mess it up, and he's screeching at this point, and it calms the butterflies in my stomach. I'll ignore this confession. I have too--, and I think he knows without us having to talk about it. I release him with a smirk in victory to messing up his hair and grab my things for lunch. He is still there though. I can feel his presence next to me and its slowly freaking me out. He always leaves to go chat with others, never lingers and then his arm brushes against mine as he briskly walks away. I let out a deep breath and head to lunch on the roof. Just another day. Nothing's changed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied and posting this today since I got more writing done this weekend than I expected. :)

I am invited to a few parties every year. Most of them are with my friends from the volleyball team, which I can give my time to; at least for a few hours before finding an excuse to leave. It's not that I don't mind their company-- it's that I am studying my ass off to get into Aoba Johsai. Oikawa told me in secret that he is going to decline the offer to go to Shiratorizawa even though they scouted him. I know it's because I couldn't get in even giving my all-- and I can't help but feel bitter I could be the reason for Oikawa making such stupid decisions. Oikawa insists late at night that I am worth it; as if it makes it any easier on me.

Future thoughts are on my mind when a girl comes up to us in the hallway that Friday afternoon. I immediately notice the envelope in her hands, and I assume it's a confession. I go to take a step back to fall behind, but Oikawa wraps his arm around my shoulders to keep me still. He's getting too tall. Every year I understand this as truth. My mother laughs at me over it, says that I might have inherited her side of the family. My mom stands at a proud 152 centimeters. I have convinced myself I can make myself taller even if it is through prayer. Oikawa keeps proving that I won't ever reach him in anything.

The girl has braids through her brunette hair, and her button nose is wrinkled in embarrassment, but she can barely contain a beautiful huge smile. I wish sometimes I could be on the receiving side of such things but then fingers just tighten against my shoulder and I realize the fakeness of the smile Tooru is giving the gathering. She quickly states her birthday party is happening this weekend. Oikawa and his flirting personality pretend to be delighted at the proposition. I am sure it is because I am standing there that he insists I join. I don't even know the girl and her gaze to me is as if I had just appeared is something I yearn not to be used too. But I am around Tooru.

"Yeah-- whatever," I responded, and we go that weekend with Kindaichi and Kunimi in tow.

The party is oddly calm in the beginning. The pool water feels amazing on my skin, and I just float in the chilled water staring up at the sky. I get out only to help the girl's mother set up the snack food on the table. Oikawa hasn't said anything to me since we got here, and it's not surprising. He's practically pinned on the deck with a group of people I don't know. He's telling a story about them camping that is one of his favorites. Oikawa can make the smallest tales explosive and marvelous if given the attention. He's always treated me to that imaginative side of himself-- I realize I might have taken it for granted.

Oikawa is wearing navy blue swim shorts with a pair of lime green glasses that are mine. He stole them after he claimed they were too bright for me to wear without looking ridiculous. I like to think I am the only one who knows such a disgusting color green is Oikawa's favorite color.

I know I am smiling again and I decide it's better to be the mature one and help the lovely lady out over plopping myself with the rest. I walk in and out of the house to set up the food for her. It's a calming job, keeps my focus off Oikawa's pale skin freckling in redness along his shoulders. How long his legs are getting and just how perfect he appears surrounded by his peers. I hope he's never alone like me. I'm satisfied with just having him, but Tooru needs others besides me.

People start coming soon after I help set up. The party is a lot larger than I expect and it is easy to find places to watch. The house has a hot tub which a few of the kids find too warm to enjoy when the pool water is so chilly. Most dip their toes in there and laugh over school clubs. There are plenty of places to sit and hang out. Balloons and streamers are blowing in the wind and the sweet aroma of crepes and ice cream. Do I dare to think it's nice? I frown just on keeping myself in check.

Usually, I'd be nervous about being dragged to a place filled with people I didn't know, but Oikawa is having fun. I can see it easily, some of his smiles are far more genuine than they typically are and it brings me to once again focus on him. Oikawa's happiness has always been one of my greatest weaknesses. Maybe that is why his decision to stay with me in high school instead of going to a school like Shiratorizawa makes my stomach hurt.

I manage to convince Kindaichi and a few of the boys into a water balloon versus water gun battle. It is epic. Oikawa hid most of the time screeching about getting wet which is all the reason I need to chase him down at the very end of the battle.

"Iwa-chan NO!" he's pointing a long finger at me but in his spare hand is a single water balloon. I raise my brow in the challenge because I have a water gun and his little balloon is humorous in comparison.

"No, what?" my chest is heaving a little from running around, and I know I am wearing a scowl even though I am happy. No one else has gotten me yet, and there is a quiet I am starting to notice surround us as everyone watches. Oikawa's pupils dilate, glasses tucked on his head to keep his bangs out of his eyes give reflection to my state. Sweat drips down my bare back from the sun. I can see a tint of red on Oikawa's nose, and I curse I didn't remind him to put on more sunscreen.

My arms twitch enough to make Oikawa half jump out of his skin, and he looks so vulnerable that I almost want to take pity on him.

"Don't shoot me! Let me win Iwa-chan! You brute!! Look at what you did to everyone!!" I digest the words and realize that I had perhaps taken it too far. But I am a competitive bastard and most of these people I won't ever see again. The quiet is making me nervous though not for my sake but his. I tilt the water gun to my shoulder to remove the muzzle direction pointed at Tooru. My muscles are pleasantly sore, and I know I am making a little show of my body being bare chested and in decent shape at my young age. Oikawa is staring. His gaze intense and calculating, and I can feel my heart quicken in response.

"Well go on Captain," I chime, enjoying the faintest flush that marks Oikawa's cheeks. The group of people is cheering him on, and a small part of me wishes they would do that for me sometime. I hate the jealousy that creeps up without warning. It's nothing serious, maybe hormones messing with my head, but a cocky, sure smirk now makes Oikawa ridiculously beautiful. Why do I love him? The words burn into my conscious because-- no. Thinking about that always gets me into trouble.

Oikawa waves to his fans and expertly throws the water balloon right for my face; as if I haven't always received his tosses.

I leap forward with a quick press of my feet and lift my hand as if I am going to spike it. But I instead carefully catch the balloon in the air without it breaking, bringing it with me in my forward progression and splash it apart on Oikawa's forehead. The water soaks both our faces, and I am dying in laughter before my feet hit the ground.

"YOU TRAITOR!" Oikawa is sputtering, and everyone is laughing at us. I wrap my hand around the back of his neck still shouldering my water gun.

"Wouldn't you be more disappointed if I missed such a great quick?"

Oikawa sighs, but this close I can't help but stare at him. Oikawa lowers the glasses, and I am met with my smug reflection. He's happy I realize, even though his cheeks are damp and he looks a little embarrassed-- I somehow made him happy just now.

To whisper at him, I have to stand up on my tiptoes, "that's for bringing me along today."

"So mean Iwa-chan!" I have the impulse to kiss his cheek. It's enough to startle me with a jolt. Oikawa notices. The girl's mother comes out and announces cake and meal food at that very second sparing us the awkwardness. We separate, and I find myself with an extra big piece of cake cause I won the battle a few moments later.

It somehow doesn't feel like any victory but I thank them none the less.


	3. Chapter 3

We all find ourselves in the attic of the house after some of the party goers head home. I trek up the stairs and shuffle over to the large couch against the wall. There are sleeping bags, and pillows cover the right side of the floor that I have to step over. She must be having some of the girls sleeping over.

The room is tall in the center, peaked the highest there and sloped down to meet the walls. There are no windows, the only light source a broken lamp that appears to be from the birthday girl's parents younger days nestled on a table and a string of Christmas lights nailed in random places along the flat corners of the walls. It's welcoming in a cozy way, space the size of their first floor offering what felt like a barn size openness to it.

All the plywood is exposed up here, and it gives an outdoor, musky scent to it. The floor is only covered in places with worn tread rugs, all looking like they were found at yard sales with their mismatched appearance. I pause near the staircase and watch everyone settle in with an ease I don't contain around strangers.

All in all, there is about twelve of us. They turn on some music, and a couple of the kids start dancing in the middle space. I plop on one of the couches tossed on the edges and bring my legs up to me. I regard them with a sort of envy especially when one the boys grab the hips of a girl and bring his body close behind her to nibble at her neck. It makes me flush, and I quickly glance away. It was strange to be hit with opposing feelings. It wasn't that it was a heterosexual couple doing those things that made me uncomfortable-- it was just the act itself.

I felt so young, and yet people around me indulged in things as if they were adults and had all the knowledge of the world.

Oikawa is sitting across the room. I can feel his eyes on me before a weight on the couch accompanies my space, and I turn to talk to Kunimi who appears sleepy from being out in the sun all day.

I realize while chatting with Kunimi that my friendship hasn't changed with Oikawa no matter how we keep finding our self in these challenging and new situations. We still talk about the things that scare us, made us sad, and everything in between. Kunimi falls asleep while I am explaining why I enjoy basketball nearly as much as volleyball. It catches me off guard, but a small fond smile encourages me to be a good senpai. I cover him up with a blanket before lifting myself from the couch. I know I risk being made fun of, but I can't help it. I move his legs and situate him more comfortable before someone is standing behind me, draping his arms around my shoulders and leaning heavily.

"You are such a mom,"

This is a rare moment when he can be very close and not raise suspicion that I am hopelessly in love with my best friend. I realize how much I miss him touching me like this. It was easier for kids. Giving piggybacks and holding hands as if it was the most natural thing in all the world. No one knows that Oikawa plays with his belly button when he's sleep or that he will find his hand unconsciously to my own when he's very sleepy to the point it always made me shriek in laughter from being ticklish. It settles that I don't belong here. It's a dark thought I wish didn't surface but his breath near my ear and his weight somehow grounding me. I realize how much I need him specifically. Will that feeling ever end? Maybe in High School.

He was meant to be the most popular kid in the school, of course, Oikawa received an invite to her party. All them here are popular, and that makes me feel left out even though I claim it doesn't matter. I was always one to find my way into all clicks in school. Sort of a drifter of friends between clubs and interests. I like the position even with the filling dread of not belonging seeps in often enough. Sometimes with volleyball, I find myself distracted by the future that I can't always be present of mine to call everyone there a best friend.

His weight leans against mine further, hand presses over my heart. The warmth is welcome as is the weird quiet we are sharing as the music flows around us and the other kid's chatter and sing. I am feeling sad at the moment, and I know he is slightly comforting me in our weird friendship of a way. I wish I could hide these things better from him.

The birthday girl pulls out a bottle of something and everyone cheers as she turns up the music and its passed between everyone. Tooru walks away then waving off the drink with an 'off' comment that it will make his skin pimple. I know drinking is the last thing I want to participate in but when it gets to me, I take a swig of it out of a need for something rebellious to burn my veins. I feel it burn my throat as I pass it on.

Kiss in the Dark is immediately suggested, and I groan that Oikawa still wants to stay here. Couldn't they leave? I know it is a hide and seek game where you turn all the lights off and the ‘it’ person tries to find someone. The idea is that when you stumble upon someone you have to kiss them on the lips no matter who it is. Honestly, the fun part of the game is not knowing who you are kissing. People try, but most of the time I can never tell who it is which I like because I couldn’t face these people otherwise. When you find someone-- you and that person tag team the room to find everyone else. The last one found gets the ultimate prize of lights on, their choice of person to kiss and gets to sit upon the throne of pillows on the couch as said person leans in to kiss them any way they want. I have played the game before but never with these group of kids.

Usually, I am not embarrassed because those kisses don't mean anything. It's a game to declare you have experienced a kiss in school. Just like spin the bottle or seven minutes of heaven. I've kissed girls and guys before, and if I am more honest with myself, it's probably what helped me figure out my sexuality. Looking around at the room I realize that I am suddenly determined to be found right before last, so I don't have to kiss as many people.

Maybe... I lower my eyes to the ground folding my fingers into small fists. Maybe I have been more lonely than I realized.

The game is silly to me suddenly. I know in other situations it wouldn't be. It's because I am sad and having a hard time hiding it tonight. The second the lights go out everyone is squealing about the room and every screech is like nails on a chalkboard. I am hiding over by the couch; legs pulled up with my arms holding them tight. Kunimi soft snores are a better mantra over the giggles and names whispering around.

I zone out before I see a blob moving my way, even in the extremely dark room. I try to make myself smaller with no success. A delicate hand reaches out and touches my folded arms. I sigh then and slightly bang my head against the wall in defeat. I have no idea who found me. I secretly hope it's one of the girls because they are usually quick and press on.

I hear a chuckle, and I instantly know who it is, and I freeze feeling panic choke my throat and make me want to be sick. This can not happen. Oikawa can not kiss me. Dammit, 1/12 chance of him finding me and he gets me right away! I make a move and try to unfold from my corner, but he has me trapped. I do not know if he knows it is me. I hope he doesn't, even though my racing heart is telling me I want otherwise. We never talked about what happened with his note confession. I suddenly wish we had so I knew what it was that he wanted from me instead of us pretending it didn't happen.

His hands move slowly up my arms as if trying to figure out if I was indeed a female or guy and I can picture his smirk at his luck at finding someone so fast. His silhouetted posture changes and a hand just hits my jaw, and he is leaning in to capture my lips before I can do anything more. My heart is racing, and I am holding a breath as he moves towards me. Before I can stop him his hand grasps my cheek, and his lips brush against mine. It lasts a second. The faintest press of skin but I release the breath I am holding after he pulls back to try to see his face. It's too dark, and he is still holding my cheek far too intimately. Does he know it is me? I try not to make a noise to give me away. His hand attempts to move across my face trying to figure out who he found. Relief floods me that he doesn't know.

Victory. I lightly shove him to force him to fall on his backside and crawl into the fray to find someone else.

The winner of round five ends up being Kindaichi who had just decided on embarrassing me by choosing me as his target of affection upon a grand tower of pillows. Dammit. I never get picked and why would I with other breathtaking people around me. Everyone seems surprised he picks me, and I secretly thank the little bit of alcohol in my system. He ushers to have me sit in his lap, and I scowl so deeply a few people take a handful of steps away from my area.

"Come on Iwaizumi-senpai, be a good sport,"  
"As your vice captain, I will be issuing diving drills on Monday's practice because of this,"

Oikawa laughs immediately with a peace sign Kindaichi's way proving his acceptance of this declaration.

"Fine! I finally win this game, and I get punished for it!" Kindaichi doesn't seem put off by it if the blush on his cheeks and the amusement brightening his eyes are anything to go by. Dammit. I bravely surround his legs with mine because I don’t want to act like a wimp, and lean in to kiss his lips softly. I pull back and lightly smack his face when his dreamy expression lingers too long for my liking, and his hands wrap around my biceps.

"Quit it!" I exclaim, and Kindaichi is laughing so hard the pillows under him threaten to fall over.

"You're heavy! Get off-- how do you have all this muscle!?"  
"Because I am our ace, you idiot!"

And because my dear underclassmen had wanted desperately to embarrass me I grab a spare pillow and wail on him until he falls on the floor screeching that I am going to kill him. Everyone chuckles at his expense and Oikawa has to pry me off, so I didn't do too much harm.

The lights go off, and Kindaichi is now it.

“One more round! And I want to win this one!” the birthday girl states. I try to find my way to the other wall to slide down to the corner between a lamp and a large blanket draped over a chair. It's the best spot I can think of but before I can get there the count is zero, and I have to freeze where I am standing near the wall but more in the open. Dammit, I think to myself. Well, at least I will be found right away and can pretend to look for others. I wait, eyes closed, breathing slowly to keep my nerves down from having just done all that with the lights on. I feel so embarrassed.

A few seconds pass and a pair of hands find me, and I jump at the sudden contact. I turn around and lips capture mine immediately. Slightly dazed from the kiss; I try to pull away, but he doesn't let go. His height just above mine, having needed to tilt my chin up and I know he is staring intently at me. I can just make out his features, and he leans in to place his forehead against mine and whispers. “I found you again” before he captures my lips again.

I am shocked at Tooru's voice but melt into the kiss again against my better judgment. Stop! My brain says over, and over but I don’t. My hands find their way onto the back of his neck, and I pull him in more. His kisses aren't as sloppy as I expect them to be but it feels like this is goodbye over a promise. My heart aches suddenly. What was his play? Why is he doing this to me? I gasp just enough that he pulls away and kisses the tip of my nose.

“Thanks, Iwa-chan,” he whispers with his hands grasped in mine before he slips away from me.

I stand there for a moment before the lights flick on and we hear the loud stomping of her dad's feet on the stairs. The boys wave goodbye and head out the door, myself in tow. I stand outside for a moment longer than I should. Oddly alone. Wondering what just happened and why Oikawa wasn't walking with me home.


	4. Chapter 4

I realize I want middle school to end desperately. Volleyball is easy-- teammates can make up for the loss of friendship and those younger than me come for advice. It fills the time, but that is it.

Disbelief fills me every day that passes that Oikawa didn't want to speak to me about what he did. We're idiots. I realize that whatever happened at that party would now be added to the realm of confessions lost to the wind. Oikawa won't talk about it. Friends and fans surround him that following Monday, fake smiles and formal acceptance of treats they had made that weekend. Volleyball practice goes on without a trace difference. Kindaichi almost throws up from all the diving drills though.

I am ridiculously sad. I hate that I am, but I honestly don't know what to do about it.

It's been a few weeks now, and while we sit for lunch, I am noticing the distance I have allowed to happen to everyone around me. Was it my frowning? I know I scowl more than most, but it's because I have been trying so hard to get into the same High School as Oikawa right? Not that I am sure anymore-- we haven't held a conversation in all that time.

The conversation drifts up from my clouded mind. Tooru is leaned back in the grasses, fingers thread through the sharp greenery. The sun decides to paint him in light, making his freckles stand out and I am once more lost to the sight of him.

"It wasn't that big of a deal," Oikawa chirps with a playful smile. His head tilts just enough for me know that it was supposed to be received to be a big deal.

"Who was it!"  
"Is it like they say in class?"  
"Was it that one girl in Biology?"

I haven't sat yet. I hold milk in my hand and find myself frozen in place just out of view from Tooru. The group around him are cackling together, and he looks so smug with himself that I am sure they are all swept up in his games.

"I was amazing, naturally-- even getting to kiss me would make you the luckiest person in the world with my talent," he winks, and they all begin grinning stupidly. "But sex is just..."

I don't hear anything else. Betrayal cuts me so deep I staggered back like in those movies from the shock. Was he messing around? I could usually pick up on which smiles were real and fake, but Tooru was in his element without noticing I was here to gauge-- and he was telling the truth.

"Oy Iwaizumi! Come join us," it was one of the guys from the basketball team I'll play street ball with when they are down a player shouting me over. Tooru freezes and peers over at me through his thick lashes and a blush just meeting his ears. He knows I heard him talking casually about losing his virginity. How could they all be okay with it?

I'm jealous. I'm furious. I can feel a knot tighten in my throat, and just by the look of the people around Tooru-- they seem to all be nervous now that their focus is on me. Oikawa nearly jumps out of his skin and is scrambling up to be a few steps away from me. Now he wants to talk?!

To be cut down in such selfish way twice hurts impossibly. He's the one who confessed. He's the one who kissed me with intention too. And yet he won't talk about it. Just brushing it off-- already dating other people and now; having sex? Just that casually? Without care to me, my feelings--

Tears welled up and cascaded in a pair down my cheeks, but I could imagine them steaming from the anger coursing through me. Tooru appears alarmed, he's speaking, but it's just noise in my ears.

I turned around and walked back into school and to our next session.

We don't talk through the entire class, and my anger swells further with every passing minute. It's like a charcoal lit to a faint ember of red, every inhale brought more light to it to the point I know I am reaching dangerous levels of doing something terrible. Anger has always been my weakest point. I sometimes want to thrash someone who speaks down to me over taking the mature route and using that to hit the volleyball. Right now I am a bomb about to go off, and it's taking all of me to cry-- scream.

Why did I love him? Why him? This asshole of a kid who always bothered me woke me up at all times of the night and would scream over any insect that got near him. Was it the friendship aspect that I was mourning? Was this what I was feeling right now? I swallow thickly, lowering my eyes to the desk where my books aren't even open. Grief was swallowing me up. Anger. Denial. I didn't want to go through this, and yet tears had welled up once more and threatened to spill down my cheeks. A pain caught in my chest, twisting like a cruel crowbar was attempting to pry it from the cavity.

We have only a few weeks left until we wave goodbye to everyone here, the team and middle school altogether. That thought settles on me alongside weighted thoughts on Oikawa. I am leaving everyone here. I’ll only ever see them when I am home. I'll have to make a new group of friends at this new school that Tooru made a point to attend to be with his friends over picking one aimed for his future career in volleyball. I glance at Oikawa at the moment.

The most popular boy in school. My best friend since grade school-- liked me but not enough to show it to anyone. Kissing in the dark because it wasn't meant for the light. He didn't want to fight for it because Tooru always had me there anyway. I realize, maybe-- I was an embarrassment for anyone to be with if the one person I ever felt anything for and trusted with my life would hurt me so horribly.

Well, this will do wonders for my self-esteem.

I hear the teacher asking me a question, and I stare back at her unable to speak.

"Please come up here and explain..." the words don't make it through. The teacher is an older woman with large glasses that make her eyes beneath look enormous. Her thin red short hair wiry and pants pulled almost up to her boobs make her a sight to see. I continue to stare at her. Then do the unthinkable and settle into the rolling anger in my gut. I roll my eyes.

“I have no idea and really don’t care at the moment, pick someone else,” I say without a hint of the emotion I am feeling. It feels, automatic or someone having moved my jaw to help produce the words for me. A couple of gasps ring out from my classmates in surprise. I can feel every eye on me in the class. I am a good student, always know the answers when the teachers call on me. But I can't today-- she doesn't know the place I am at. Please don't set me off.

The teacher places her hands on her hips and asks the question again, and it's like she grapples the rubberband in my center and yanks it towards her. I can feel myself unravel with an ease only so few know. Something-- corrupted and broken clicks with ease and I know without having to breathe that I am about to lose it. I stand up; my thighs collide with my desk sending it noisily forward. My hands ball into fists, and a tremble takes over my entire form. I can hear whispers before I speak. Cruel words to match the visual I must appear to them right now.

Blessedly I can't speak, and I know this isn't my finest moment. I leave.

"Iwa-chan!"

I still walk. It is at that moment I realize I place too much faith in people. They always let me down, and I try to be the best damn friend in the world. A good teammate and vice-captain, someone to remind them of the important things and keep a positive attitude when they lost games. But at the end of it-- are they all fake with me? Did Oikawa not care about me? Did he realize that he had it better with his fans than a childhood friend?

Oikawa is chasing me down. I can hear his steps, and I am leaving school altogether.

“I have to tell you something!” he's screaming but I am running, and his voice becomes distant because I have always been the better sprinter.

I don’t like it. Nothing ever good comes from that line. Ever. I book it until my bag has slid down off my shoulder and is grasped in my hand, I am panting desperately for air, but Tooru catches up. I don't take my eyes off the ground. Fear penetrates me-- I don't want to hurt him. I glance up, and he jumps back from my expression lifting his hands up in defense. I might be snarling, as I can feel my lips trembling, but I can't quell the rage anymore. I want to shake him. I want to cry.

“Just tell me and get out of my sight,”

He looks down. A flush vibrant enough to be seen in the sunshine coats his ears and down the front of his neck. I don't feel anything but affection to the sight-- and I remain dazed only for a second because of course, he could defuse me so easily. I sigh. My shoulders melt, and I close my eyes to just stand upon the sidewalk.

"Iwa-chan the team will miss having you mother them so much. Who will protect them from the scary people of the school now?"

Deflection? Of course, I turn and walk, but Tooru quickly catches up by my side. I don't comment, exhaustion has replaced my rage and my sadness to the point I am feeling numb.

"Did you get into Aoba Johsai Iwa-chan?" the question lingers in the wind between us. The tone of concern expected but somehow a surprise in this very moment when I expect him to ask about what has me so upset.

"Yes, got the letter a few days ago,"

"YEAH!!!" Oikawa's arm is around my shoulders squeezing me. It steals my breath a little. He smells like milk bread and sweets. I pray I could hate him a little-- how easy I let him do this to me.

"We will take the team to nationals for sure!" he's pointing his finger to the sky in that declaration. I barely suppress a loving smile, but it drops just as quickly. Tears return, and I am thankful he's too happy to notice while his arm is still draped over my shoulder.

"I can't wait to see their smug faces at Shiratorizawa when my ace smashes the winning play on the court! POW!"

I heat up just a little under the admiration, but stay quiet because I am crying for real now. They fall over my cheeks and catch along my lips. Oikawa's weight shifts a little against my own while we walk but even though I am crying because of him I deep down still want him here to comfort me. How twisted.

"Iwa-chan worked so hard to stay with me..." it came out as a hum of words. Sweet sounding and filled with too much affection.

"You were the one that said you wanted to play volleyball with me,"

"But you want to play with me right?!" the shrill was obnoxiously fake in that Oikawa way, and I catch the wide mouthed expression near my face that he was exaggerating on purpose.

"I did, now we have three more years together," I work out a reply.

"And after too, we can play in college too Iwa-chan. You can even pick the college. I'll follow you there," his thumb just wipes a tear from my jaw, and I stop walking.

"Why do you do this?" I ask, "you make it seem like I am enough, but I am not am I?"

"You are more than enough-- I am just an idiot? I don't know!" Tooru ever the dramatic pulls away and seems in distraught.

"We never talk about anything important anymore. I can't take it; I am going to explode!" I am surprised I can admit these things. Bravery sparks in me and I wipe my face with my palm. "I feel like I am too young to feel love-- but I can't put a word to what I feel for you okay? Stop dragging me around. You think I can handle it because we've known each other forever but I can't anymore. I crossed over that line, give me time to get over you if you are going to be with other people. Just-- give me time."

Oikawa's eyes are wide, and I think he might not have meant to hurt me such much. I know I don't talk about my feelings well or ever and I can't fault him entirely for it even though I want to.

"I am going away anyway. My family put me in a training program in America for medical studies to see if it's something I will like for the future. I'll be back for volleyball and school-- and..." Tooru is crying now, and I really want to punch him in the gut but opt to smack him upside the head instead.

"Ow!"  
"Stop crying, idiot! I am telling you a lot right now, and you aren't listening to anything!"  
"I can't Iwa-chan! I didn't realize!"  
"Realize what?!"

Tooru takes a step forward, "I didn't realize you loved me."

"I didn't say that!" I know I screech those four words, but Oikawa is gleaming. "I'm going home--" I turn and start walking away, but he runs by me, brushing a kiss right to my cheek.

"Bye Iwa-chan!" he waves like an idiot and runs to his house which we both came up on quicker than I realize.

"Did Tooru just kiss your cheek?" my mother is sitting on the steps sewing a patch onto one of her aprons.

"Mom, I think Tooru might end up being the death of me," she laughs, and I sits by her side to have some company.

"Love does that to you--" she whispers.

I realize Tooru never told me what he 'had to tell me'. Typical. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any comments or thoughts would be appreciated. Cheers.


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